You're An Idiot
by BTM707
Summary: Just a stupid conversation between Onox and Veran while they prepare to take the Oracles. Loving and hating someone makes for the strangest relationships...


_So I noticed that there were no Veran and Onox stories, and I imagined writing one myself. Almost immediately, this came to mind: just the two of them having a stupid conversation about nothing in particular. So that's where this came from. I get the feeling that these two would be rivals because of how proud they both are, but they'd also have a warped sort of friendship, because they would get the other like no one else. Does this story have a point? Absolutely not, it's ridiculously silly. I just had a bit of time to kill, and this is what came out of it. So… I guess, Enjoy!_

**_You're An Idiot_**

Veran strode calmly out of the chamber, eyes casually glancing around to confirm that no one else was around. Of course, why would there be? Koume and Kotake had just dismissed her and her partner from the briefing, and they had disappeared almost immediately. Everyone else was probably out getting ready for the invasions. It was just the two of them.

General Onox slowly came into the room behind her. It was basically a staff room for leaders in between missions. He took a seat at a couch and exhaled slowly. Veran ignored him and went over to the table find something to eat. Finding half of a roasted Cucco, she picked it up and brought it to a couch opposite Onox. The General of Darkness simply stared at her as she took a massive bite into a leg.

"That's so flattering," he said flatly, stretching his legs. Veran said nothing, but simply threw him a wing to snack on. They were quiet for a moment as they ate, before he broke the silence again.

"How come you were so anxious to take Labrynna?" the big man asked, speaking again. Veran swallowed her food before finally speaking. She supposed she couldn't stay silent forever.

"Because," she began, wiping her mouth on a cloth that was crumpled on the floor, while Onox rolled his eyes, "messing around with the seasons of Holodrum doesn't sound very sorrowful. If you start changing the climate everywhere, that'll simply lead to destruction. Which, if you've already forgotten, is your job." She paused to take another bite out of her leg, taking her time while Onox grew impatient. "If I take the Oracle of Ages, I can begin rewriting history in Labrynna, as well as make the populace miserable by changing a few specific things. The witches mentioned Queen Ambi's tower?" Onox nodded. "I have something big planned for that tower," she finished with a sick smile.

"I still think it'd have worked either way, but whatever," Onox replied with a shrug. He tossed his finished bone over his shoulder and stood up to pace. "It's so typical of you to analyze every little detail before you do something."

The Sorceress of Shadows snorted. "I could be like you: just run in and wing it. But my ideas tend to work better, I've noticed."

"It works better for me because I'm stronger than you are," Onox noted, glancing at the witch's thin arms and grinning. "I _can_ go in and destroy everything without any thought, because no one is strong enough to try and stop me."

"Typical stupid, brutish behaviour," Veran replied while shaking her head. "I think a brain is wasted on you."

"Oh, _excuse_ me," the General replied with a barking laugh, "I forgot knowledge is everything. Just because I didn't study the dark arts all my life doesn't mean I'm not clever. Don't you remember the witches? 'A brilliant tactical mind'? I think they have faith in me."

"Yeah, to swing around a giant ball until everything's dead," the witch countered.

"Please. Your pathetic magic is useless if your body's too broken to understand it's even hurt. So I'll stick with what I do," Onox said as he strode around the room. "Plus," he added, "Casters have a reputation for being…" He glanced over at Veran, who was still seated on her couch. "A bit on the weak side. No muscle, just bone."

The woman frowned. He thought he was so much better? "It takes years of study to master magic," she shot back. "Unlike swinging a stupid piece of metal."

Onox let out a loud laugh. "Alright then, you try swinging my 'stupid piece of metal'. Assuming you even can, let's see how long it takes before you take off your own head."

Veran said nothing, her lips pressed together into a tight line. "The witches prefer magic," she spoke finally. "It's why they recruit so many Wizzrobes into their ranks."

Onox snorted. "Exactly what I mean when I say physically weak. Iron Knuckles are the definite way to go."

Veran blinked. "Don't you mean Darknuts?"

"No, I much prefer the 3D games, and they have Iron Knuckles. So they're obviously superior."

"…There are Darknuts in _Wind Waker_ AND _Twilight Princess_. They're the much more common opponent, not a possessed Gerudo woman in armour."

"Well then why weren't they in _Ocarina of Time_ or _Majora's Mask_?"

"Why weren't Wizzrobes, as common as they are? I guess they were just trying something different."

"There were Wizzrobes in _Majora's Mask_, if I remember correctly."

"Oh please, those old pedophiles with canes?" Veran shook her head. "No, I refuse to believe those were Wizzrobes."

Onox thought back for a moment. "Oh, you're right. Those were Wizrobes. I guess they ARE different."

"Mhmm." Veran got up off the couch and began pacing as well. "Anyway, I'm quite sure Iron Knuckles are just a relative of the Darknut."

"Yes, I suppose you're right," Onox grunted in agreement. "But they are still the superior opponent. Not like those stupid Wizzrobes, teleporting everywhere while they fire off a cheap shot. Darknuts at least fight head-to-head, and they CAN take hits. Your pathetic casters, on the other hand…"

"Are much more frustrating, BECAUSE they teleport everywhere," Veran finished. "Ask anyone, I'm sure magic is feared more than a sword."

"Not if the wielder is knowledgeable in the ways of the sword," Onox replied. "Like myself, for example."

Veran laughed. "You're so conceited."

"Oh, because you're not!" Onox countered with a grin. "Checking yourself in the mirror every ten minutes. How many times did you examine yourself in that briefing? I counted eight."

Veran gave a slight smirk. "Why were you focusing on me instead of the witches?"

"Because it's an annoying trait. I just notice it every time you do it."

Veran slowly walked over to where the armoured man stood, a playful smile on her lips. "I'm sure that's _exactly_ why you notice it," she said with a wink. Onox snorted but remained silent.

The witch stood before the man now, and they simply looked at each other. "Maybe it's because I'm pretty?" she whispered. The corner of Onox's mouth twitched upward into the slightest smirk, but still said nothing. Veran stood up onto her toes and her lips met his, like they had so many times before. Whether they were content, or upset, or in a raging argument, they always ended up like this. Somehow, despite everything… they just understood each other.

Veran slowly pulled away, and Onox grinned. "You taste like chicken." Veran frowned and delivered a punch to the unprotected part of the General's face. He shrugged it off and laughed. "See? No physical strength."

Veran scoffed, but despite herself, couldn't defeat the smile that rose to her lips. "Goddesses, I hate you," she whispered as she wandered back to her couch.

"And Ganon knows I hate you too," the man replied with a grin as he threw himself onto another couch. "Forever and always, you conceited witch."

Veran stared at him and raised a brow. "Promise? Till death do us part?"

Onox chuckled. "No, I'm sure I'll find you in the next life too, just to fight some more. I need to be entertained somehow."

Veran rolled her eyes, still smiling. It was time to prepare for the invasions, so she stood up and went to leave. As she passed the General, she gave him a quick kiss and whispered, "But Wizzrobes are still better."

"No they're not!" Onox leapt to his feet and headed out behind her. As they continued to argue, Veran had to smile. Even if, by some impossible chance, they both fell in the upcoming battles, they'd find each other in the next life somehow. Whether it was the love they shared for so many years, or the hatred they took out on each other, their bond was so complicated and confusing, even Death wouldn't be able to separate them.

They were both, for a rare occasion, thinking the same thing. Onox knew that they'd always be together, for better or worse. Which of those it was, only the Goddesses knew for sure.

"A Darknut's armour can block a bolt of magic. Can a Wizzrobe's skin block a sword? Do they even _have_ skin?"

"Of course they have skin, you moron! Are you sure you have a brain?"

"Yes! It's bigger than your head!"

"Oh, _that's_ attractive."

"_You're_ attractive!"

"No, _you're_ more attractive!"

"Maybe we're equally attractive!"

"Fine then! Thank you!"

"Thank _you_! And you're welcome!"

"_You're_ welcome!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

Somehow, impossibly, it was probably both, especially when they acted like children. And if they started attacking each other like the last time they fought… Well, Goddesses help everyone.


End file.
